After Nolan was born, Jared and I decided that he should get a vasectomy. The day of the procedure, I knew we weren't making the right decision. But I didn't have enough courage to say "Wait-- I think we're making a mistake". When the doctor asked me if I was sure, I remember saying "We can always adopt". So for years, I've been saying I wanted to adopt a daughter.
Last week, after a "I want a daughter" conversation with Jared, I went to bed in tears. After several days of avoiding the subject and not bringing it up, he finally texts me this:
At first, I was a little "mad" because of 2 words: "Let me". Not sure why but I didn't like the way we worded it. Like I was asking for permission? Then, I got a little excited!
Well, that night (and every night since) we talked about having another child. He said he has been doing some "soul searching". Last night, we had an awesome talk-- stayed up past midnight.
If I heard him right, these are some of his "thoughts":
- We finally have it "easy".
- He's not looking forward to changing diapers
- We would have to buy a new vehicle
- He won't be able to take care of a newborn while he is coaching ball so we would need a sitter until I get home from work
- We'll need to be a little more "tight" with our money (why he said that in the text)
- Doesn't want to be confined to the house for 2 years-- we are finally able to "get up and go" and do things
- He's not excited at all but once she's here, he knows he'll love her.
- I definitely have to get on medicine if I decide to have one after it's born because I am a moody b!tch with post pardum blues.
- He'll do anything to make me happy because he loves me with all his heart. (awww)
We talked about a reversal or adopting and he is leaving that decision to me. It's such a hard decision to make. It's like comparing apples to oranges. To me, I like them both-- they both taste sweet, taste good and any day, I would eat either one.
I have looked in the reversal and I'm not sure that is the right option. Especially when there is no guarantee-- even after paying $5,000. The alternative is invitro. I know it's against some people beliefs, but it is an option that I am open to. Especially since my insurance company pays for 90% of it (but no meds- darn).
Then there is also the adoption route. I have us signed up for the October foster-to-adopt classes. I'm so apprehensive on some things. I'm afraid that the child will want to find their birth parents some day and I think that would break my heart (like I'm not good enough). I'm scared of the birth parents trying to get the child back and that- of course- would devastate me. I'm afraid we won't get approved to adopt. But it is "cheaper" than the alternative AND I am guaranteed a "daughter".
People are so quick to judge me. For example: "You are crazy for wanting another child" or "You have a perfect family now" or "Why do you want to go through that". Well, maybe that's how THEY feel. I feel it would be a blessing. Something I have always wanted.
I'm just scared of making the wrong decision. I'm 34. The clock is ticking. What to do. What to do.