Thursday, September 4, 2008

Unexpected Destination

If anyone knows me very well, you know I have always wanted a daughter. Always. All my life. Going back to my Ken and Barbie days when I would make them lay on top of each other and then magically have them have kids. They always had at least 2 girls. The names would vary-- Kayla, Sophie, Samantha, etc... Going back to the time when my mom would say "I can't wait until you have a daughter just like you who treats you like you treat me" and I would say "I can't wait either". You see, I have always wanted that daughter.

After Nolan was born, Jared and I decided that he should get a vasectomy. The day of the procedure, I knew we weren't making the right decision. But I didn't have enough courage to say "Wait-- I think we're making a mistake". When the doctor asked me if I was sure, I remember saying "We can always adopt". So for years, I've been saying I wanted to adopt a daughter.



Last week, after a "I want a daughter" conversation with Jared, I went to bed in tears. After several days of avoiding the subject and not bringing it up, he finally texts me this:


At first, I was a little "mad" because of 2 words: "Let me". Not sure why but I didn't like the way we worded it. Like I was asking for permission? Then, I got a little excited!

Well, that night (and every night since) we talked about having another child. He said he has been doing some "soul searching". Last night, we had an awesome talk-- stayed up past midnight.

If I heard him right, these are some of his "thoughts":
  • We finally have it "easy".
  • He's not looking forward to changing diapers
  • We would have to buy a new vehicle
  • He won't be able to take care of a newborn while he is coaching ball so we would need a sitter until I get home from work
  • We'll need to be a little more "tight" with our money (why he said that in the text)
  • Doesn't want to be confined to the house for 2 years-- we are finally able to "get up and go" and do things
  • He's not excited at all but once she's here, he knows he'll love her.
  • I definitely have to get on medicine if I decide to have one after it's born because I am a moody b!tch with post pardum blues.
  • He'll do anything to make me happy because he loves me with all his heart. (awww)

We talked about a reversal or adopting and he is leaving that decision to me. It's such a hard decision to make. It's like comparing apples to oranges. To me, I like them both-- they both taste sweet, taste good and any day, I would eat either one.

I have looked in the reversal and I'm not sure that is the right option. Especially when there is no guarantee-- even after paying $5,000. The alternative is invitro. I know it's against some people beliefs, but it is an option that I am open to. Especially since my insurance company pays for 90% of it (but no meds- darn).

Then there is also the adoption route. I have us signed up for the October foster-to-adopt classes. I'm so apprehensive on some things. I'm afraid that the child will want to find their birth parents some day and I think that would break my heart (like I'm not good enough). I'm scared of the birth parents trying to get the child back and that- of course- would devastate me. I'm afraid we won't get approved to adopt. But it is "cheaper" than the alternative AND I am guaranteed a "daughter".

People are so quick to judge me. For example: "You are crazy for wanting another child" or "You have a perfect family now" or "Why do you want to go through that". Well, maybe that's how THEY feel. I feel it would be a blessing. Something I have always wanted.

I'm just scared of making the wrong decision. I'm 34. The clock is ticking. What to do. What to do.

9 comments:

Renee said...

Not sure what to comment. After hearing a comment this week about more people wanting to adopt babies than there are babies I wonder if you will become frustrated and that is no way to start a family. On the other hand, no guarantee on the reversal. I think you need to really pray and you will find your answer. BTW, we have three and we still get up(even when they were babies) and go and have money. Good luck and God Bless.

X-tina said...

Thanks Renee!!! I am def praying for guidance on this one.

I always say, things will work out. (the $, sitter, get up and go, etc...)

Thanks for posting!

Lily said...

wow, what an insane choice you have to make! My initial thoughts lean towards adoption. I understand the process takes a long time. the reversal? Just seems like you shouldn't put your husbands body through another procedure unless you have to. Now, I;m assuming you've already made the decision to have achild. If not, I say go for it. so what if you have to change diapers again. One of the wait to have kids excuse for us is we couldn't just jaunt off to europe whenever we wanted or have sex on the dining room table. the thing is, we never do those things anyway......... I guess the bottom line is that you need to look into your own heart and make this very tough decision. I will tell you that my daughter is a joy (and trial) to me every single day. I can't imagine life without her girly moods and drama.

Melbasketcase said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melbasketcase said...

Well dear sister, keep your heart open and God will speak to you and let you know what you are to do. (or some higher power....remember "my wish" by rascal flatt's?) What is suppose to happen will happen. Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible. Do not give up hope! I love you sweetheart.
ME
P.S. if you happen to have sextuplets, I'll move in and help. I'll have my six little angels have a talk with God.

wwdovew said...

I am certain that there are children that truly need to be adopted. When you are looking for a foster-to-adopt child, be certain that you find one that really needed to be adopted. Most people are not aware that foster care is a "business". The federal funding from Social Security Title IV E makes it profitable for the states to remove children wrongfully from parents. Then, the children are placed with fosters and then adopted. This is all for federal funding. In fact, in most cases, the fosters can receive funding even after adoption until the child is eighteen. The foster agencies remove children from their families to support themselves and the funding goes all the way to the judges also. Judges "rubber stamp" caseworker false allegations and the child goes into the system. You are very correct, that the child will want to find the bio family as an adult. However, if you adopted a child that really needed adoption, this probably would not make much difference. As a foster, you must investigate the situation of the child. The agencies will lie to you about the reasons the child is removed. They will also lie to the bio parents on how to get the child back, knowing full well that they will never get the child back. The agencies are also great at removing children from fosters also, as it is beneficial financially to them to place the child all over again into another foster family. A good foster allows bio relatives into the child's life, when those relatives show true concern and love. Sometimes, that can even be the parents. Parents sometimes can not free themselves from drugs etc. and just want to know the child is well cared for and to stay in contact with the child. You need to educate yourself on the system. It is not exactly what you think it is. Some good sites to visit are: www.kidjacked.com www.ejfi.org/family/family-87.
htm#pgfld-1394539
The websites are endless on this abuse of children by our government. Google and read "The Corrupt Business of Child Protective Services" by Senator Nancy Schaeffer of Georgia. Also, the Yahoo Group - Foster Parent Allegations, would be a good one to join and monitor. There are also endless Yahoo Groups on the foster system. Write me if you care to at falseallegations@mail.com

wwdovew said...

I am certain that there are children that truly need to be adopted. When you are looking for a foster-to-adopt child, be certain that you find one that really needed to be adopted. Most people are not aware that foster care is a "business". The federal funding from Social Security Title IV E makes it profitable for the states to remove children wrongfully from parents. Then, the children are placed with fosters and then adopted. This is all for federal funding. In fact, in most cases, the fosters can receive funding even after adoption until the child is eighteen. The foster agencies remove children from their families to support themselves and the funding goes all the way to the judges also. Judges "rubber stamp" caseworker false allegations and the child goes into the system. You are very correct, that the child will want to find the bio family as an adult. However, if you adopted a child that really needed adoption, this probably would not make much difference. As a foster, you must investigate the situation of the child. The agencies will lie to you about the reasons the child is removed. They will also lie to the bio parents on how to get the child back, knowing full well that they will never get the child back. The agencies are also great at removing children from fosters also, as it is beneficial financially to them to place the child all over again into another foster family. A good foster allows bio relatives into the child's life, when those relatives show true concern and love. Sometimes, that can even be the parents. Parents sometimes can not free themselves from drugs etc. and just want to know the child is well cared for and to stay in contact with the child. You need to educate yourself on the system. It is not exactly what you think it is. Some good sites to visit are: www.kidjacked.com www.ejfi.org/family/family-87.
htm#pgfld-1394539
The websites are endless on this abuse of children by our government. Google and read "The Corrupt Business of Child Protective Services" by Senator Nancy Schaeffer of Georgia. Also, the Yahoo Group - Foster Parent Allegations, would be a good one to join and monitor. There are also endless Yahoo Groups on the foster system. Write me if you care to at wwdovew@aol.com

wwdovew said...

I am certain that there are children that truly need to be adopted. When you are looking for a foster-to-adopt child, be certain that you find one that really needed to be adopted. Most people are not aware that foster care is a "business". The federal funding from Social Security Title IV E makes it profitable for the states to remove children wrongfully from parents. Then, the children are placed with fosters and then adopted. This is all for federal funding. In fact, in most cases, the fosters can receive funding even after adoption until the child is eighteen. The foster agencies remove children from their families to support themselves and the funding goes all the way to the judges also. Judges "rubber stamp" caseworker false allegations and the child goes into the system. You are very correct, that the child will want to find the bio family as an adult. However, if you adopted a child that really needed adoption, this probably would not make much difference. As a foster, you must investigate the situation of the child. The agencies will lie to you about the reasons the child is removed. They will also lie to the bio parents on how to get the child back, knowing full well that they will never get the child back. The agencies are also great at removing children from fosters also, as it is beneficial financially to them to place the child all over again into another foster family. A good foster allows bio relatives into the child's life, when those relatives show true concern and love. Sometimes, that can even be the parents. Parents sometimes can not free themselves from drugs etc. and just want to know the child is well cared for and to stay in contact with the child. You need to educate yourself on the system. It is not exactly what you think it is. Some good sites to visit are: www.kidjacked.com www.ejfi.org/family/family-87.
htm#pgfld-1394539
The websites are endless on this abuse of children by our government. Google and read "The Corrupt Business of Child Protective Services" by Senator Nancy Schaeffer of Georgia. Also, the Yahoo Group - Foster Parent Allegations, would be a good one to join and monitor. There are also endless Yahoo Groups on the foster system. Write me if you care to at falseallegations@mail.com

Miss M! said...

I guess the big question is - If you did do the reversal, and paid all that money and went through all the treatments and managed to get pg again - how would you feel if you had another boy?