Friday, December 31, 2010

last day of 2010

So here it is the last day of 2010....all ready!
Here it is 2:55 am and I have yet to get to bed. When I am pissed off I can't sleep.
It is times like right now when I miss my best friend.
It is times like right now where I could call her to vent.
But I can't.
I wish I could call heaven.
But I can't.
So instead I am sitting here using my blog to vent. Maybe I will be able to sleep after this. I am not one to air out my dirty laundry so I won't.
I can't.

Since it is the last day of the year, maybe I will reflect on this past year and look forward to the new year.

2010 brought me....
  • Took my first ever cruise. I loved it and want to take future cruises. I love that it is a floating resort.
  • Registered to become a foster parent. It'll never happen. Not as long as I am with Jared. All we have to do attend the classes. But we won't. I resent that and it'll be a regret that I will have one day.
  • Came clean to Jared that I cheated on him back in 2006. It was one time. It wasn't even sex. I just couldn't handle the guilt any longer. I felt so bad for hurting him. Felt....past tense. It's nights like tonight that I remember why I did it.
  • Stuff. I recently came to the realization that I have too much "stuff". Things I don't need. Things that add no value to my life. This will lead to one of my New Years resolutions to purge!
  • Books. I used to hate to read. I mean hate to read. This year I picked up a book for the first time. I have read 6 books this year and ya know what? I liked it.
  • Scrapbooking. I continue to scrapbook and I still love it. I love preserving the stories. The memories. The reasons why I continue to live.
  • Alcohol. I'm not proud of this but it is part of this year. For a long time after Lynnette's death, I couldn't touch it. I live with an alcoholic. I hate it. But I became stressed out and had a drink one night. It calmed me down. It made me feel better. That's how it starts.....with one drink. As much as I hate has shown me how easy it was for Lynn to become sick so fast.
  • 3 wonderful boys. They are the light of my life. The reason I live. I would do anything for them and I am so proud of the young men they are becoming. Motherhood is the greatest blessing and I thank God everyday for the opportunity.
2011 will bring me....
  • well since I mentioned it earlier, less clutter. Maybe I will look into selling things on E-bay. I can then save that money for another cruise :)
  • Organize. If I have less stuff, I think I will become more organized. It's not that I am unorganized now, I am but I hate having a pile of mail sitting in the dining room. I hate having a junk drawer.
  • More books....I want to continue to read which also means.....
  • Less TV. Do I really care what happens on Amazing Race? Survivor? I mean seriously, it's not a positive influence on my life. If its not a positive influence, get rid of it.
  • I need to find a way to relax in the evening without having a drink. I think a quiet spot in my bedroom will do the trick. I so miss having quiet time. Just for me.  I hate sleeping with the TV on so.....
  • I will not sleep with the TV on. I mean, I don't have to now but its more of a habit. IF Jared sleeps with me, yes IF, he HAS to have the TV on. I hate that. It's going off. If he doesn't like it, he can go sleep on the couch where he normally is anyway.
  • Jared. Something has to change. That's all I can say on a public blog.
  • Me. Something has to change. Self- respect. Self-confidence. Something has to change. Something besides the obvious physical appearance. But I do want to....
  • Run a marathon. Stop laughing. Seriously, its on my bucket list. I know it won't happen in 2011 but maybe a half-marathon? I said stop laughing. After the cruise, I am going to get back to the gym and get back in shape. I WILL lose 25 pounds in 2011. I just have to have.......
  • Faith. Faith in myself and spiritual faith. I need to take the boys to church every Sunday. There is no excuse for this. Only laziness. It is my responsibility to make sure they make it to heaven. How are they suppose to do that without having a stronger faith....
  • Happy. My smile that everyone loves for some reason....I want to feel that smile on the inside too. I think it can happen if I make the changes I want to make so.....
HERE'S TO THE NEW YEAR!!!! Bring on 2011!!!!
there is a better person waiting inside of you....
what are you waiting for...
people are counting on you.....
there are changes to be made....

Maybe you can't.

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